Mock At Your Convenience

For recent college refugees, the job application process is a long, arduous, all-too-familiar ritual often involving poking, prodding, ignoring, internet filtering, rejection, and entry-level positions that, for reasons that confound modern science, require 3+ years of experience. I myself have been questing for that Holy Grail--an entry-level writing position willing to hire an entry-level writer--to no avail and remain trapped in the purgatory of freelancing and selling my body on Aurora.

It's somewhat reasonable for companies to slam the door on your foot. Despite how many times I tell companies the same rehearsed lines ("Advertising has always been a youth-driven industry...Somebody had to put a guitar in his hands before James could become Jimi. Put a pen in my hands and I'll do great things for your company...I'm a peacock. You've gotta let me fly...Yada-Yada-Yada"), it's easier and safer in the short-term for a company to check off that they hired someone with more experience or an executive's brain-dead nephew than taking a chance on young talent.

In lieu of sending yet another application into the dreaded black hole of internet filtering, I've decided to write this article to help others in a similar situation avoid my mistakes and guide them on a better path. Feel free to make your own suggestions or to simply vent in the comments section below. The following is a list of activities that, through copious amounts of research and experimentation, I've found to be a more productive use of my time than filling out another application that will never remotely reach anyone in HR:

-Selling a kidney.
-Repeatedly ramming my head into the nearest brick wall.
-Listening to Magna Carta (gross).
-Growing a homeless man's beard.
-Helping strange men load couches into the back of unmarked vans.
-Dancing to "Goodbye Horses."
-Any amount of time spent on Facebook.
-Bringing up anything that happened on social media in real-life conversation.
-Checking for Percy Harvin updates.
-Checking to see if the Bengals are shopping Geno.
-Most anything on YouTube.
-Walking for "exercise."
-Beating a Wookie at chess.
-Boxing Apollo Creed.
-Fighting in the War Room.
-Starting a land war in Asia.
-Starting a business with Walter White.
-Tracing a Jackson Pollock.
-Picking up a heroin habit.
-Learning Dothraki.
-Learning French.
-Using AltaVista.
-Swimming with Shrieking Eels.
-Swimming around Amity Island.
-Canoeing in the Georgia wilderness.
-Bragging about pointless college rankings online.
-Name-dropping your college's "prestigious alumni."
-Being thoroughly screened by airport security.
-Becoming Seth Brundle's latest test subject.
-Bringing Mel Gipson to a Bar Mitzvah.
-Visiting either of the Dakotas.
-Watching that god-aweful Superman reboot.
-Hitting myself over the head with a hammer.
-Rechecking for Percy Harvin updates.
-Hypothesizing trades for Calvin Johnson (Harvin, Tate, Shaun Alexander's left nut, and every one of our first rounders until the end of time).
-Selling part of my liver.
-Watching baseball sober.
-Watching soccer period.
-Paying for networking sites that can't get me a job.
-Paying overdraft fees.
-Paying for and listening to most of Yeezus (with a few exceptions).
-Listening to any post-Encore Eminem.
-Listening to any recent Lupe.
-Complaining about new school hip hop.
-Checking for OutKast reunion updates.
-Checking to see if 3 Stacks is still alive.
-Checking to see whatever happened to Biz Markie.
-Dating Ana Trujillo.
-Leaving your girlfriend around Michael Fassbender or Jon Hamm.
-Conversing with ex-girlfriends.
-Getting dating advice from Manti Te'o.
-Getting dating advice from Anthony Weiner.
-Watching cable news.
-Paying attention to any Kardashian.
-Being able to spell "Kardashian."
-Wearing a snuggie.
-Owning a fixed-gear bike.
-Walking around, pushing said fixed-gear bike.
-Listening to Kelis' "Milkshake" on repeat.
-Watching the Twilight series.
-Reading the Twilight series.
-Drinking Natty Light past freshman year.
-Drinking anything brewed in Aldo Raine's bathtub.
-Pissing off Liam Neeson.
-Returning video tapes.
-Bragging about my highly-employable liberal arts degree.
-Complaining about life on the internet.
-Writing down long, pointless lists.
-Rechecking for Percy Harvin updates.
-Wondering if Steve Largent is too old for a comeback.
-Rechecking again to see if anything has changed in the past couple minutes.
-Fully committing to part-time employment, buying the Star Trek outfit, learning Klingon, and going to conventions.
-Selling the remainder of my organs.

But if you happen to know of a junior copywriting job seeking to reject the hopes and dreams of a young man, please pass it along.

Peace, Love, & Purgatory,
Nomadic Noah


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